| MUSICAL DIRECTOR Leaps tall bandrooms in one bound; Is more powerful than a locomotive; Is faster than a speeding bullet; Walks on water; gives policy to God. |
BAND CHAIRMAN Leaps single storey bandrooms in one bound; Is about as powerful as a locomotive; Is just as fast as a speeding bullet; Walks on water if the sea is calm; Talks to God at set times of day. |
| SOLO CORNET PLAYERS Leap small bandrooms with a running start; Are almost as powerful as a locomotive; Are noticeably slower than a speeding bullet; Walk on water in an indoor swimming pool; Talk to God if a special request is approved. |
EUPHONIUM PLAYERS Can barely clear a bicycle shed; Always lose a tug-of-war with a locomotive; Can fire a speeding bullet; Swim well, and are occasionally addressed by God. |
| TROMBONE PLAYERS Make high scratch marks when trying to leap bicycle sheds; Are frequently run over by locomotives; Can sometimes handle writing implements without injury; Dog paddle, and talk to animals. |
HORN PLAYERS Run into bicycle sheds; Recognise locomotives two times out of three; Are not issued with writing implements; Can stay afloat only with water wings, and talk to walls. |
| BACK ROW CORNET & FLUGEL PLAYERS Can't remember where the bandroom is; Say "Look at the choo-choo" when shown a locomotive; Don't know what the other instruments are; Think water's only use is for making beer; Are occasionally spoken to by others. |
BARITONE PLAYERS Recognise a bandroom two times out of three; Think a locomotive is a BBb bass; Have no idea what a speeding bullet is; Are revolted by the mere thought of water; Ask "Who is God?" |
| BASS PLAYERS Fall over doorstep when trying to enter bandroom; Have on occasion tried to play a locomotive; Should not be allowed near other instruments; Will drown if given more than six inches of bath water; Mumble to themselves. |
PERCUSSIONISTS Can barely read what has been written above; Should be run down by a locomotive; Failing that, shot by a speeding bullet; They are the lowest form of life. |
| BANDMASTER Lifts up bandrooms and walks under them; Kicks locomotives off the tracks; Catches speeding bullets between his teeth and eats them; Freezes water with a single glance; HE IS GOD. |
BAND SECRETARY Sweeps under bandrooms; Puts locomotives back onto the tracks; Picks up spent cartridges after bullets have been fired; Carries the water to be frozen; HE IS THE SON OF GOD. |